It’s time for the second installment in my Confession series!
For the first post click HERE.
So, for my second confession- I’m still afraid of the dark.
No joke. When I wake up in the middle of the night and I need to go to the bathroom, I will lay in my bed, weighing my need against my fear of getting out of bed in the dark.
I blame my imagination. I can construct a narrative of what is waiting in that dark and why it’s going to get me and how I can do nothing about it. So this is what happens in my head.
Ugh, why am I awake? Dang it, I need to go to the bathroom. But I can’t. Because that thief with nothing to lose broke into the house ten minutes ago. He heard me stirring and is now waiting outside of the door. His gun is drawn and his heart icy as he waits for me to enter the hallway. Okay, okay, no he’s not. There is NO ONE there. Get out of bed, Rose. You’ll be fine.
When I was younger, I envied my mom and older sister because nothing scared them. When I had nightmares, I could always crawl into my sister’s bed. She was always asleep and annoyed at me for being afraid. I knew that if I could just survive until I was as old as Ranelle, then I wouldn’t be scared anymore.
Lies. The fear didn’t go away.
And I married a man who can get just as freaked out as me. When we were first dating, I flew out to Minnesota to visit him and we went on walks in the evening to talk. It would get pretty dark while we were walking around campus, and we convinced ourselves that Zombies were going to attack. Of course, not really, neither of us really believed that. But we both started walking more quickly and were considerably more jumpy after talking about it.
I have become better at ignoring my irrational fears. I can steel my nerves and walk across a dark room to the light switch. I can and will get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom without flipping on the bedroom light, so I don’t disturb John.
But the fear is still there. I don’t think it will ever go away.
What “childish” fears do you still have? Did you envy adults when you were a child? Is there some sort of support group I should join?