Confession #2

It’s time for the second installment in my Confession series!

For the first post click HERE.

So, for my second confession- I’m still afraid of the dark.

No joke. When I wake up in the middle of the night and I need to go to the bathroom, I will lay in my bed, weighing my need against my fear of getting out of bed in the dark.

I blame my imagination. I can construct a narrative of what is waiting in that dark and why it’s going to get me and how I can do nothing about it. So this is what happens in my head.

Ugh, why am I awake? Dang it, I need to go to the bathroom. But I can’t. Because that thief with nothing to lose broke into the house ten minutes ago. He heard me stirring and is now waiting outside of the door. His gun is drawn and his heart icy as he waits for me to enter the hallway. Okay, okay, no he’s not. There is NO ONE there. Get out of bed, Rose. You’ll be fine.

When I was younger, I envied my mom and older sister because nothing scared them. When I had nightmares, I could always crawl into my sister’s bed. She was always asleep and annoyed at me for being afraid. I knew that if I could just survive until I was as old as Ranelle, then I wouldn’t be scared anymore.

Lies. The fear didn’t go away.

And I married a man who can get just as freaked out as me. When we were first dating, I flew out to Minnesota to visit him and we went on walks in the evening to talk. It would get pretty dark while we were walking around campus, and we convinced ourselves that Zombies were going to attack. Of course, not really, neither of us really believed that. But we both started walking more quickly and were considerably more jumpy after talking about it.

I have become better at ignoring my irrational fears. I can steel my nerves and walk across a dark room to the light switch. I can and will get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom without flipping on the bedroom light, so I don’t disturb John.

But the fear is still there. I don’t think it will ever go away.

What “childish” fears do you still have? Did you envy adults when you were a child? Is there some sort of support group I should join?

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6 thoughts on “Confession #2

  1. How ’bout you, Katy, and I form our own support group. We all suffer from fear of the dark. Do you have a night light you can put in the bathroom? That helps. Just keep the door sort of closed so that it doesn’t keep either of you awake. When Dave and I were in Oregon, we were staying in a cabin that had no outside lights except for right outside the door. The cabin was located in the middle of a national park so there wasn’t hardly any horizon glow. I kept a small flashlight beside the bed. I put it on top of a duffle bag. There was NO WAY I was going to reach all the way down to the floor for it – something might get me! Anyway, I’d turn it on and mostly hide it with my hand so Dave wouldn’t wake up, and light my way to the bathroom. And I’m almost TWICE your age. This “wait till I’m her age” stuff does NOT work. Good luck!

    • Haha. Your cabin story made me smile! I’m glad that I’m not alone in this fear!! :) I think children and adults share a lot of the same fears, but adults have just learned to cope with them.

  2. HA! I am SO afraid of the dark too!! I finally started praying about it – totally helped – I can walk to the mailbox or trash can at night by myself now. However, i STILL cannot sleep alone in a house or apartment unit. Husband went on a three day Young Life retreat, once, without me. I was only able to sleep a few hours during the day! lol.

    • I tried reciting scripture a few times. But this one time, a commercial for some freaky horror movie included a young girl reciting Psalm 23 over the scary trailer. Totally freaked me out. So I can’t recite scripture to myself without that coming into my head. So my prayers have to be very nonchalant ie “Hey God, yep, it’s me, totally freaked out for no apparent reason. Please calm my spirit and thanks for loving me even though I’m a dope. ” :P But He’ll help both of us with our fears! :)

  3. Pingback: Confession #3 | The Rose and John Club

  4. Pingback: Confession #4: I want to be a hipster. | The Rose and John Club

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